According to a survey I took of the faculty and students attending the Academy of the New Church, the fear of rejection is quite common. 96% of the faculty members, when asked what is the greatest fear in starting a relationship answered rejection. This view is also shared by Dr. Gary Chapman (author of “The Five Love Langauges of Teenagers”) He states that for most teenagers, fitting in is one of the more important things in our social life. The assumption that we might not be accepted for who we are leads to insecurity and often causes us to fall victim to peer pressure.
Why do we fear rejection so much? Well, for one thing it hurts, and it can give you the feeling that you are inadequate or inferior to everyone else. Obviously we want to avoid this as much as possible, but is that possible to do without being too reclusive? Well, yes.
Some of the main contributors to our fear of rejection are false assumptions such as:
“He/She would never want to hang out with me.”
“What do I have to offer, I'm so boring.”
“I'm too fat/too skinny”
Telling ourselves these things makes it much more difficult to form friendships with people. From my own experience I have found that when letting myself believe everything my mind tells me, I end up rejecting myself, and that can prevent me from forming friendships with others. Taking this path may never lead to direct rejection from others, but the self rejection amounts to the same thing. Just think of what it’s like to be around someone who is really down on themselves all the time, and you may see how being their friend could be difficult.
At the same time, rejecting others can be just as bad. If we let our fear lead us into feeling superior to others, it presents a barrier that is hard to get around. When we start believing:
“I'm too good for that person.”
“They're too ugly.”
“They're too dumb.”
These false assumptions lead us to being rejected even though that is what we were expressly trying to avoid. It is difficult for a person to be friends with us when we are not willing to genuinely share a piece of ourselves with them.
These things are pretty easy to see as problems, but how can we avoid them? Well I'm afraid it takes work. It takes courage to break past the fear of rejection. Results from the survey I took showed that at least 80% of the students also say that rejection is one of their greatest fears. We shouldn’t let this immobilize us though. Try things. Ask someone to the dance. Go up and talk to a group of people. Courage can be a difficult thing. Humans and animals alike do not enjoy the unknown. So stay informed. If you are asking someone to the dance, find out who has already been asked. That way you can avoid rejection. By researching and gaining information, such as who has already been asked, we can conquer the unknown, and without the fear of the unknown we can begin to conquer our fear of rejection.
Finally, when we are rejected it hurts, there's no denying that. But we should not allow ourselves to feel that if we are rejected, then it's over- "I can't recover from this." You can recover fully. There may be difficult times but with practice comes perfection. If you persevere your experience will help you succeed in the future.
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Thanks for posting.
ReplyDeleteYour talk about too good or too bad for other people made me think of something I heard once. It is important to not think of yourself as more or less than another person. If this fits with your belief about reality I think it can be very good advice. Often I am intimidated by someone who I think is better than me, or irritated with someone I think is worse. When I look carefully I realize that I have a false belief opperating (better/worse). When I let go of this belief I have a much easier time interacting with people without fearing rejection.
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing how kids from a young age start to compare themselves with other kids around them eg "I'm taller" "He's older" "She's faster". I think that some of that can't be avoided but I wonder what parents could do to encourage children to grow up with a healthy way of looking at the world and other people.
ReplyDeleteAs a teenager without a girlfriend and who isn't all that social in general, I offer that there are other factors than just fearing rejection. Naturally I would try to come up with an excuse other than fearing rejection, because that makes me sound weak.
ReplyDeleteI'm not quite sure what prevents me from being communicative, especially with girls. I can't explain it, because it is an emotional thing, which I don't do well with in general. It could easily be that I fear rejection, but I would like to think that it isn't.
Here's what I will say is the excuse for being unsocial... With human relationships comes all sorts of emotions, reactions, and thoughts which can't be grasped easily with my understanding. I avoid relationships because they are illogical most of the time and furthermore I am naturally lazy.
Practice is important - as Anders says, it takes work. If you have a hard time talking to girls, for example, you can practice talking more with girls that you already feel comfortable with. You will probably learn something and find that you continue the habit. Girls are different, but they're people too...;) Swedenborg says that chaste friendships between men and women can be very sweet. I have found this to be true when the relationship is approached with respect and the willingness to learn from the other person.
ReplyDeleteThis was really helpful, thanks for posting. I think I've fallen into being too self-critical lately, myself. Sometimes I forget how that can affect my friends and how I may make it hard for them. This was a good reminder to find a balance.
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