Who are You, let alone, Who are They?

High School can be a difficult time, because it coincides with a lot of different changes. Not only do bodies undergo changes but also how we think and act can switch drastically. For the most part children accept what their parents and teachers say as the truth and don’t feel the need to question things as much. Upon reaching teenager hood and High School, things begin to change. Our focus goes from parents and home, to friends and social life. So we must develop our own thoughts and style. (See The Five Love Languages of Teenagers, Dr. Gary Chapman)
High School is a time to try things. We try styles of clothes, speech, walk, pretty much anything can have a style, and we feel driven to find one that works for us. But also, and perhaps more importantly we begin to discover how we want to appear to other people, how we want to behave, and how we want people to act towards us.
Everybody wants to be popular, and of itself popularity is fine. We just have to be able to figure out what cost we are willing to pay to be popular. Flirts and players, are commonly “popular” but they are so at the cost of other people, and really themselves too. The flirting mentality generally comes from insecurity and the assumption that it’s the only way to get people to notice you. It does get you noticed, and can some times get you popular. But, it generally isn’t a very happy way of life. Once you are labeled as a “flirt” or “player” it is hard to break the name.
So, how can we be popular without the side effects? Well, it’s difficult and takes work. But it’s worth it. We can actually get a good base from the Bible. “Love your neighbor as your self” Is a pretty obvious way to have people like you. If you are continually treating others as below you, you drive them away and it is difficult to form friendships in that manner. Another idea is that of not bearing false witness. Nobody likes to hang out with a person who is continually lying to them or cheating on them.
High School is where you start figuring out who you want to be. So, being in a relationship where you are trying to figure out who the other person is can be very hard. Just like you, they are still trying to find a style that fits. Perhaps the best way to enjoy relationships is to be nice. It is hard not to like someone who is honest with you, kind to you, and doesn’t gloat about it, but is humble.
This approach in high school, often does not come across as cool. And it may not lead you to being hugely popular either. But, people appreciate it, and trust you whether they can admit at the time or not. By you taking the time to be decent and caring to those around you, you help people get over the mentality of being “cool” for the sake of themselves, and change to being kind for the sake of someone else.
In the survey I took of the students attending The Academy of the New Church, over 50% were afraid of being dumped. How much would that change if they felt they could trust everyone more? If you are a couple with someone you can trust not to hurt you, it is far easier to be friends. There is also the possibility that if it is necessary to break off it will be easier to remain friends and to move on after the relationship. You may find that a relationship with a person who is cool, suave and has all the upcoming styles is not as desirable as one with someone who you can trust and who you know you can turn to.

The Fear of Rejection

According to a survey I took of the faculty and students attending the Academy of the New Church, the fear of rejection is quite common. 96% of the faculty members, when asked what is the greatest fear in starting a relationship answered rejection. This view is also shared by Dr. Gary Chapman (author of “The Five Love Langauges of Teenagers”) He states that for most teenagers, fitting in is one of the more important things in our social life. The assumption that we might not be accepted for who we are leads to insecurity and often causes us to fall victim to peer pressure.
Why do we fear rejection so much? Well, for one thing it hurts, and it can give you the feeling that you are inadequate or inferior to everyone else. Obviously we want to avoid this as much as possible, but is that possible to do without being too reclusive? Well, yes.
Some of the main contributors to our fear of rejection are false assumptions such as:
“He/She would never want to hang out with me.”
“What do I have to offer, I'm so boring.”
“I'm too fat/too skinny”
Telling ourselves these things makes it much more difficult to form friendships with people. From my own experience I have found that when letting myself believe everything my mind tells me, I end up rejecting myself, and that can prevent me from forming friendships with others. Taking this path may never lead to direct rejection from others, but the self rejection amounts to the same thing. Just think of what it’s like to be around someone who is really down on themselves all the time, and you may see how being their friend could be difficult.
At the same time, rejecting others can be just as bad. If we let our fear lead us into feeling superior to others, it presents a barrier that is hard to get around. When we start believing:
“I'm too good for that person.”
“They're too ugly.”
“They're too dumb.”
These false assumptions lead us to being rejected even though that is what we were expressly trying to avoid. It is difficult for a person to be friends with us when we are not willing to genuinely share a piece of ourselves with them.
These things are pretty easy to see as problems, but how can we avoid them? Well I'm afraid it takes work. It takes courage to break past the fear of rejection. Results from the survey I took showed that at least 80% of the students also say that rejection is one of their greatest fears. We shouldn’t let this immobilize us though. Try things. Ask someone to the dance. Go up and talk to a group of people. Courage can be a difficult thing. Humans and animals alike do not enjoy the unknown. So stay informed. If you are asking someone to the dance, find out who has already been asked. That way you can avoid rejection. By researching and gaining information, such as who has already been asked, we can conquer the unknown, and without the fear of the unknown we can begin to conquer our fear of rejection.
Finally, when we are rejected it hurts, there's no denying that. But we should not allow ourselves to feel that if we are rejected, then it's over- "I can't recover from this." You can recover fully. There may be difficult times but with practice comes perfection. If you persevere your experience will help you succeed in the future.

Welcome to Teenage Communication

So what's the point of this blog? Well, naturally communication. More specifically teenage communication and the frequent lack there of.

My blog is connected to a school course I am currently taking. It being an independent study, I chose to explore some of the problems that can occur in relationships. Relationships succeed or fail based on our ability to communicate. Issues arise from the fact that people communicate differently. Men and women are quite different which can make talking difficult but conversely, if done correctly it can be very fun.

My hope is to research some of these conversation failures (and possibly successes), and present some of my findings in a relatively light, easy to understand format, specifically applying to High School. By using a blog I also hope to receive feedback on my findings, and am open for questions on anything I say.

Hope you enjoy,

~Anders